No Drama
unbeknownst to many (except for a select few).,I have a little bit of talent in writing and storytelling. And it comes with the ability to transfer my emotionS to the reader. i'VE BEEN BLOGGINGSINCE 2004. As a form of theraphy to my depression. back then. Of course it's because of a girl! typical of a stupid gguy like me so yea, there it is.
But now again this is another theraphy session this time to cure my brain of the skips and blanks I'm going through after suffering a stroke some couple weeks ago, as of the time of this writing.
I'v been experiencing blanks and misaing ceretain details Iwas very keen to before the attack. And I'm telling you, it is very frustrating.bacause its' one of my skills, attention to details. As a programmer, I am keen to details since a missed period, comma or signs, spelling or conditions can make the program go crazy. So how to I get it back? sure I'm takingmy meds but I have to help myself, too. I won't get better. by just sitting and waitingfor the meds to make it all better. I have to train myself again. So I'll do t his and see i my brain will progress...
Istill remember taking a selfies: at this moment,I didn't know that Iamalready havinga stroke
So how did the attack happen? honestly, I don't know, last thing I remember is I was very angry at someone, frustrated at my work, agitated and irritable that time Iremember reaching for my phone, which is on the floor charging thenI fell from my chair.add to that, my 3- year old started crying and vommitting which added to my irritation and confusion. I was calling for my wife butI forgot she went to bring my 2 girls to badminton practice. some minutes later, she arrived, I went downstairs to take apiss and askedmewhat's happening to me.the rightside ofmy face is sagging,Iookedat the mirrorand I don'tsee it. Let's go to the hospital, sh said, andI wa like, "why?" I don't feel anything. I feel normal,I can stand,Icn walk I can understand what she issaying, I can still read. "oh gosh going to the ER will be expensive.she isseeig this but I can't see it so ok, no more arguments, let'sgo to the hospital.I can still remember her drieving as fastas she can until we reached Asian Hospital, In mymind, "Oh great, Asian Hospital, a premium hospital, "oh the expenses!" So we arrived at the ER and she panickedly said' Emergecy! emergency! " I was chuckling to myself,"Well, we are in the ER so yes, this is an Emegency! Everyone knows." I still feel normal so I have no idea the gravity of thesitutation. The medical staff asked, "What'sthematter ma'am?" Stroke, he's havinga stroke!" again in my mind, "Stroke?! Fuck! really!? hah..." I feel nothing, Ifeel normal." so the doctors started asking quesitons, I don't asnwer coz Istill don't know what's happening to me,I am notsure if I am really havinga stroke. All I remember is the doctorsskingme to lift my hadns, follow their fingers with my eyes Hearing something like "oh that's not ok,your eye movements are supposed to go here but it's not..." the CT scan wasn't able to read anything because it's too fressh, but that's a good sign thatmeans we are in thesafe window, "Good jobmommy!"pointing to my wife. we'll have to MRI you.I still remember begging to go the toilet to relieve myself,but theykeptsaying no, you can't move stay put. You have diapers so you can justdoitthere." an I was like, " hell no." UntilI can' hold it anymore. "SureI have diapers on, but there is no worse feeling than being that helpless that you have no choice but to soil yourself. It is degrading. Idon't know how long I've been in the ER at this point but The MRI is done and they were explainingto my wife thingsI don't knowhow serious they are but they're sayingsomethinglike the clot is very big and started tellingher thewrost case scenario at which point she later told me that she was already crying uncontrollably. it just occured to me that she was all alone there with no one to turn to. she must have been really really sad and lonely and I can't be there for her. I mean, I was there butI still don't know what's going on. "Am I dying? "what the fuck?!" I don't feel anything. That's the scary part, I was slippingaway butI didn't know andI feel nothing. Ther'es no light, no, tumpets, my life didn't flash beforemy eyes, none of this shit thatwere so dramatically portrayed in movies,shows and books. I was being robbed ofmy life and beingrobbed of the drama of death. There is no drama. I mean, IfI had known I was dying I couldhave called my loved ones, my kids, my mom, my sister, my mentor, andmy friends and the people who have been part of my life. I would have said a proper goodbye and wouldhave thanked them for keeping me around.Iwould haveeven talked to people I hate and I've disconnected from and said," fuck you, you deserve that." Because wherever we are in life, we deserve that . For It is the consequences of our actions and decisions.If you are in a shit situation, it is becuase of your shit decision and obviosly a mistake. What will be the measure of your character is how you get out of your shit. the worst mistake anyone can make is not to correct these mistakes. " I would have liked tosay to my ewife, that, "wait, I can't go yet, my mission to you is not yet done.In grief, she told me, tha she hated surprises. coz just aweek before, On her birthday, I surprised her with gifts. To some, It may look like bragging, but really, knowing what you know now, is it really? You see, that's the thing those are peopel who doens't have the same goal as yours. If they had the same goals, it wouldn't look like bragging, it will look like a good idea.'they'll say something like, "wow that's a good idea, I hope I can do that, too. I will do that someday, in my own way at my own pace" Looking back, If I was bragging, I wasn't bragging the gifts, I was bragging the moment.I am makingmemories, if I had kicked the bucket, I would have left my wife a very very nice memory.SO guys, make memories, fuck those who will say you are bragging, who cares? You know, I always say it's normal to be envious, that's what people do, now it is up toyou to convert that negative feeling to positive.how you respond to that reflects the strength of your character and attittude. Convert it to something like' Hah! I can do better." "I can dothat too, just you wait."
But lo andbehold! I survived. and In a way the doctors cano nly describeasas a miracle. because they' kept telling me, "wow it looks like nothing happened". I wasn't affected physically. alhtough here we are, me exercising my brain to get back its former sharpness.There are people who sent me encouraging words, kind words thatI will forever treasure. And there are those who prayedfor me.I amforever grateful.Imay not be very religous but I do not undersetimate the power of prayers and I believe there are people who havespeicial connection to the Being above.soyou are very lucky having them in your support group and in these dire situations, I will take all the support I can get. Ok I have to stop now, my brain hurts.I just hope I was able to communicate what Ireally intend to.Life is short, makegreat memories. This is my second chance. So I hope to make less shitty decisions. Cheers guys! See you guys soon!
