My Near-Death "non-experience"

No Drama

unbeknownst to many (except for a select few).,I have a little bit of talent in writing and storytelling. And it comes with the ability to transfer my emotionS to the reader. i'VE BEEN BLOGGINGSINCE 2004. As a form of theraphy to my depression. back then. Of course it's because of a girl! typical of a stupid gguy like me so yea, there it is.

But now again this is another theraphy session this time to cure my brain of the skips and blanks I'm going through after suffering a stroke some couple weeks ago, as of the time of this writing.

I'v been experiencing blanks and misaing ceretain details Iwas very keen to before the attack. And I'm telling you, it is very frustrating.bacause its' one of my skills, attention to details.  As a programmer, I am keen to details since a missed period, comma or signs, spelling or conditions can make the program go crazy. So how to I get it back? sure I'm takingmy meds but I have to help myself, too. I won't get better. by just sitting and waitingfor the meds to make it all better. I have to train myself again. So I'll do t his and see i my brain will progress...

Istill remember taking a selfies: at this moment,I didn't know that Iamalready havinga stroke

So how did the attack happen? honestly, I don't know, last thing I remember is I was very angry at someone, frustrated at my work, agitated and irritable that time Iremember reaching for my phone, which is on the floor charging thenI fell from my chair.add to that, my 3- year old started crying and vommitting which added to my irritation and confusion. I was calling for my wife butI forgot she went to bring my 2 girls to badminton practice. some minutes later, she arrived, I went downstairs to take apiss and askedmewhat's happening to me.the rightside ofmy face is sagging,Iookedat the mirrorand I don'tsee it. Let's go to the hospital, sh said, andI wa like, "why?" I don't feel anything. I feel normal,I can stand,Icn walk I can understand what she issaying, I can still read. "oh gosh going to the ER will be expensive.she isseeig this but I can't see it so ok, no more arguments, let'sgo to the hospital.I can still remember her drieving as fastas she can until we reached Asian Hospital, In mymind, "Oh great, Asian Hospital, a premium hospital, "oh the expenses!" So we arrived at the ER and she  panickedly said' Emergecy! emergency! " I was chuckling to myself,"Well, we are in the ER so yes, this is an Emegency! Everyone knows." I still feel normal so I have no idea the gravity of thesitutation. The medical staff asked, "What'sthematter ma'am?" Stroke, he's havinga stroke!" again in my mind, "Stroke?! Fuck! really!? hah..." I feel nothing, Ifeel normal." so the doctors started asking quesitons, I don't asnwer coz Istill don't know what's happening to me,I am notsure if I am really havinga stroke. All I remember is the doctorsskingme to lift my hadns, follow their fingers with my eyes Hearing something like "oh that's not ok,your eye movements are supposed to go here but it's not..." the CT scan wasn't able to read anything because it's too fressh, but that's a good sign thatmeans we are in thesafe window, "Good jobmommy!"pointing to my wife. we'll have to MRI you.I still remember begging to go the toilet to relieve myself,but theykeptsaying no,  you can't move stay put. You have diapers so you can justdoitthere." an I was like, " hell no." UntilI can' hold it anymore. "SureI have diapers on, but there is no worse feeling than being that helpless that you have no choice but to soil yourself. It is degrading. Idon't know how long  I've been in the ER at this point but The MRI is done and they were explainingto my wife thingsI don't knowhow serious they are but they're sayingsomethinglike the clot is very big and started tellingher thewrost case scenario at which point she later told me that she was already crying uncontrollably. it just occured to me that she was all alone there with no one to turn to. she must have been really really sad and lonely and I can't be there for her. I mean, I was there butI still don't know what's going on. "Am I dying? "what the fuck?!" I don't feel anything. That's the scary part, I was slippingaway butI didn't know andI feel nothing. Ther'es no light, no, tumpets, my life didn't flash beforemy eyes, none of this shit thatwere so dramatically portrayed in movies,shows and books. I was being robbed ofmy life and beingrobbed of the drama of death. There is no drama. I mean, IfI had known I was dying I couldhave called my loved ones, my kids, my mom, my sister, my mentor, andmy friends and the people who have been part of my life. I would have said a proper goodbye and wouldhave thanked them for keeping me around.Iwould haveeven talked to people I hate and I've disconnected from and said," fuck you, you deserve that." Because wherever we are in life, we deserve that . For It is the consequences of our actions and decisions.If you are in a shit situation, it is becuase of your shit decision and obviosly a mistake. What will be the measure of your character is how you get out of your shit. the worst mistake anyone can make is not to correct these mistakes. " I would have liked tosay to my ewife, that, "wait, I can't go yet, my mission to you is not yet done.In grief, she told me, tha she hated surprises. coz just aweek before, On her birthday, I surprised her with gifts. To some, It may look like bragging, but really, knowing what you know now, is it really? You see, that's the thing those are peopel who doens't have the same goal as yours. If they had the same goals, it wouldn't look like bragging, it will look like a good idea.'they'll say something like, "wow that's a good idea, I hope I can do that, too. I will do that someday, in my own way at my own pace" Looking back, If I was bragging, I wasn't bragging the gifts, I was bragging the moment.I am makingmemories, if I had kicked the bucket, I would have left my wife a very very nice memory.SO guys, make memories, fuck those who will say you are bragging, who cares? You know, I always say it's normal to be envious, that's what people do, now it is up toyou to convert that negative feeling to positive.how you respond to that reflects the strength of your character and attittude. Convert it to something like' Hah! I can do better." "I can dothat too, just you wait."
But lo andbehold! I survived. and In a way the doctors cano nly describeasas a miracle. because they' kept telling me, "wow it looks like nothing happened". I wasn't affected physically. alhtough here we are, me exercising my brain to get back its former sharpness.There are people who sent me encouraging words, kind words thatI will forever treasure. And there are those who prayedfor me.I amforever grateful.Imay not be very religous but I do not undersetimate the power of prayers and I believe there are people who havespeicial connection to the Being above.soyou are very lucky having them in your support group  and in these dire situations, I will take all the support I can get. Ok I have to stop now, my brain hurts.I just hope I was able to communicate what Ireally intend to.Life is short, makegreat memories. This is my second chance. So I hope to make less shitty decisions. Cheers guys! See you guys soon!

Courage

 “Mamamatay na ba ako?” Mga huling salita ni Daddy noong nasa ICU na sya, bago sya ma-intubate.

Maririnig mo sa boses ng nurse na nagpipigil ng pag-iyak habang ikinu-kwento ang mga huling sandali ni Daddy.

Iba din kasi ang personality nitong si Daddy, sandaling maka-kwentuhan mo lang eh bestfriends na kayo. Maboka, mabola, at charming.

Kaya naman din madalas naloloko at nabibilog. Di mo maintindihan na masyadong tiwala agad sa tao... na kalaunan eh tine-take advantage ang kabaitang iyon.

Sumagot ang nurse na kailangan na talaga syang ma-intubate, pero tumanggi sya. Alam nyang tapos na kapag dumating ka na sa intubation.

Sa mga oras na ito, ano kaya ang tumatakbo sa isip nya? Kung ikaw kaya? Kung ako kaya? How do you face the fact that your time is up? That in just a few moments, you are gone from this earth.

Nung mga oras na sya ay nagiisip-isip, kinontact na si Mommy at sinabi ang sitwasyon. Syempre para sa kahit sinong kaanak, "Gawin nyo lahat. Babayaran namin kahit magkano."

Hindi ko na alam kung gaano katagal ang lahat ng pangyayaring iyon o kung nagkaroon pa ng pagkumbinse ang mga nurse kay Daddy. Itinuloy ng nurse ang paglalahad, "Nandoon po kaming lahat nung sinabi nya, 'Sige, tanggap ko na. Tanggap ko nang mamamatay na ako. Isa-isa kong titingnan yung mga mukha nyo at tatandaan ko, dahil kayo lang ang nakasama, nag-abala at nagmalasakit sa mga oras na nandito ako. Maraming salamat sa pag-asikaso nyo sa akin.'" Dito na hindi napigilan ng nurse ang kanyang pag-iyak. "Sumandal na po sya sa ulunan ng bed at umiyak. Napaiyak na rin po kami dahil naappreciate din po namin na kahit sa ganoong sitwasyon ay nagawa nya pa pong magpasalamat. Tinanong po namin sya kung meron syang gustong makausap sa pamilya nya pero umiling po sya at umayaw."

"Bakit hindi nyo na lang kami tinawagan?" ang tanong ni Mommy. "Sa mga pagkakataon pong ganon, yung hiling po ng pasyente ang sinusunod namin. At sa totoo lang po, sa lahat po ng tinanong namin ng ganyan, lahat po sila ay tumatanggi."

Siguro nga totoo ang sinasabi ng nurse. Siguro nga ay ang nasa isip nila na sa mga huling sandali, ayaw nilang makita sila ng kanilang mahal sa buhay na nahihirapan. O di kaya'y ayaw lang nilang madagdagan pa ang lungkot at pighati na hindi na nila makikita ang mga minamahal. Na nasabi mo na at nakumbinse mo na ang sarili mong tanggap mo nang ika'y mawawala pero sa sandaling makita at makausap mo sila, babalik ka na naman sa kalungkutan at panghihinayang.

'Tanggap ko nang mamatay na ako.' Pano mo nagawa yon, Dad? Saan ka kumuha ng tapang para harapin ang katotohanang iyan? Paano mong natanggap na hindi mo na matatapos ang misyon mong sinimulan para sa mga magsasaka? Paano mong natanggap na hindi mo na makikita ang paglaki ng mga apo mo? Ang pag-graduate ni Iya? Ang kasal ni Mike at May?

Hindi ko mapigilan na maisip din na kung dumating ang oras ko, kaya ko rin kaya yon? May tapang kaya ako na maipapakita pag dumating ang oras na ako'y mawawala na?

Inintubate na nila si Daddy at sa kasamaang palad, hindi nya kinaya. May mga sakit pala siyang itinago din sa amin at yon ang naging dahilan. Hindi nya sinasabi na may iniinda syang mga sakit, na palihim ay nagpapatingin sya sa doctor at may mga iniinom na gamot.

Marami ang naging laban ni Daddy sa buhay nya. Kasama na ang pakikipag-laban para sa kalayaan ng ating bansa. Pero limot na sila. Mga hindi kilala. Mga hindi pwedeng pangalanan. Mga hindi pwedeng bigyan ng parangal. Mga tahimik na lang na namumuhay. Ang regret ko lang ay hindi ko na nalaman nag buong detalye non. Nakaplano na sa akin na alamin lahat ng iyon pero napag-paliban nang napag-paliban dahil na rin sa kabusyhan.

Kaya sa huli, kami na lang ang magpapasalamat sayo. Na ang parangal na lang na mabibigay sayo ay alam mong ang mga anak at apo mo ay maayos na lumaki ang matino ang pumumuhay ngayon. Maraming salamat sa mga sakripisyo mo, Dad. Maraming salamat sa mga pangaral mo. Sa mga pananaw mo sa buhay na shinare mo samin na nakapulutan naman namin ng aral. Happy Birthday, Dad. You will be missed.

***** English *****

Courage

"Am I dying?" These are the last few words of my Dad before being intubated in the ICU.

You can hear from the cracking voice of the nurse, holding back her tears, while narrating the last moments of my Dad. It's one of his unique personalities, you can chat him up as a stranger and by the end of it, you're bestfriends. Jolly, playful, and charming. That's why he's fooled easily and sometimes scammed. Nobody understands why he's very quick to give his trust to a person... who, later on, takes advantage of his kindness.

The nurse told him that in his situation, he really needed to be intubated... but he refused. He knows that if it reached the point where he will be intubated, it's all over. And he won't accept that. At this point of his life, in this time, what is running through his mind? If that was you? If I were him? How does one face the fact that his time is up? That in just a few moments, you are gone from this earth.

In that time he's deep in thought, maybe thinking, 'What is happening?! How did things go wrong, so fast?', the hospital contacted my Mom to inform her of the situation. And of course, what any family would do, "Please do everything to save him. We don't mind the expenses, we will pay any amount."

I am not sure how long the time that passed, what exactly was the situation or if it did take some convincing from the doctors or nurses. The nurse continued, "We were there in his room prepping up when he said, 'Ok, I accept my fate. I accept that I am going to die. Let me look at your faces, I will remember all of you, the only people who was with me, giving care and attention, and maybe a little bit of your affection, during the time I am confined here. Thank you for your care.'" This time, the nurse could no longer hold back her tears, she started crying and continued, "He leaned his head on the bed and we saw tears rolling down his eyes. We started crying with him. We were just sad but amazed that, a person in a situation like this, still had the heart to appreciate us and thank us." She cried more, but briefly. She added, "We asked him, 'Do you want to call your family? Do you wish to speak with someone?' He shook his head and said no."

"But why didn't you just call us?" Mom asked. "In this kind of situation, we always follow the wishes of the patient. And to be honest with you, ma'am

almost all the time, the patient would decline."

Maybe she's right. Maybe that's what's going through their minds, knowing that your life is going to end - that in their last moments, they do not want their loved ones to see that they are suffering; that the last thing they want is a picture in the minds of their loved ones the agony and sadness they are going through. And just maybe, for the last time, be selfish: that they have already convinced themselves and accepted their death but the moment they see and talk to their loved ones, they would just regress into this dark state of loneliness, regret and despair.

'I accept my fate that I am going to die.' How did you do it, Dad? Where did you get the courage to face this truth? How did you accept this knowing that your mission for the farmers is not nearly done? How could you accept this knowing that you will not see your grandchildren grow and blossom?

Iya's graduation? Mike and May's wedding?

And now I could not stop myself from thinking, will I be able to do the same? Will I have the same courage, or at least show a fragment of this courage, when my time is up?

And Dad finally got intubated, but unfortunately, he did not make it. Apparently, he has other illnesses he's not telling any of us. He hid this from us while secretly consulting doctors and taking lots of medicines.

He's been through many battles in his life. Including literal battles, where he fought for the freedom of our country. But they are forgotten. They who are unknown. They who cannot be named. They who cannot be praised and be given awards. They, who after surviving countless battles, chose to live life quitely and peacefully. The only regret I have is not knowing all of this in its entirety. I have already planned this, to have some sort of an interview and documentary. But life throws you a curveball, you get busy, things pile up and the next thing you know, it's too late.

So in the end, we will just be the one thanking you. That the award you will be given is the knowledge that your son, your daughter, and your  grandchildren grew up properly and their lives are just fine. As you have taught us, we're ok with 'just fine'. Not spectacular, not stellar, not extra-ordinary, but 'just fine'. We are OK. So thank you, Dad, for your many sacrifices. Thank you very much for your lectures. Thank you for sharing you point of views in life that we, in turn, gained knowledge from. Happy Birthday, Dad. You will be missed.

D2 na me

Nandito na ako, Dad. Sorry, na-late ako. Di na tayo nagkita. Di na tayo nakapag-usap.

Sa huling usap natin, madami tayong gagawin sa farming. Sinisimulan na natin yung pag-lakad sa mga papel habang sa side nyo ni Tito El ay tuloy lang ang pag-training.

 Babalik dapat ako dahil may aberya dun sa papel na nilakad natin. Naabutan ako ng lockdown, di ako nakauwi agad. Pero alam ko na alam mo na kaya hindi ako nakakauwi eh wala akong pang-gastos. Alam kong nag-aalala ka rin nung nawalan ako ng trabaho at hindi na gumagana ang mga businesses ko. 

Mabuti na lang at nakauwi kami bago nangyari ang hindi inaasahan. After 2 years, nakita mo ang mga apo mo. Si Yuna na dalaginding na, si AJ na cute at makulit, at si Allen na may may kakulitan na rin.

 

Di ako nakauwi dahil wala akong pang-gas at pang-tollgate. Sorry Dad, tinry ko talagang maka-recover, pero medyo na-late.

 

Pero nakakatuwa nung nabalitaan kong masaya ka nung ibinalita ko sayong may trabaho na uli ako. Nabawasan ang stress mo sa pag-iisip sa kalagayan namin. Magaan sa pakiramdam kong malaman na kahit papano, napasaya ka ng balitang iyon. Di ko lang nasabi na napasaya mo din ako nung pag-uwi namin ay binigyan mo ako ng pera. Maliit na halaga pero sa sitwasyon namin noon, malaking tulong. Feeling ko 1^st sahod ko sa trabahong ginagawa natin. Feeling ko hindi nasayang yung mga effort ko sa pag-edit edit, research at sa mga brainstorming natin.

 

Yaan mo Dad, susubukan kong ituloy yung mini-project natin. Bubwelo lang ako ng konti, itutuloy ko yun. Tutulungan ko rin si Tito El sa kung anong maliit na bagay na maitutulong ko para maituloy din yung sinimulan mo para sa mga farmers ng NE. Gagawin ko yung makakaya ko para makapag-ambag sa Training Center natin.
 

Bakod

Kitchen

Extra CR

Yung mga plano mo rito sa bahay, eto ginagawa na - halos tapos na. Yung dagdag na CR na gusto mo at yung kitchen ok na. Itinutuloy ni Mommy. Tumutulong naman kami ni May sa gastusin kahit papano. Napalitan na rin namin iPad nya para di na nagha-hang sa mga video calls. Naghati-hati kami - ako, si May at si Iya. Proud moment ni Iya. Hahaha!

 

Yung parking  ok na rin, simentado na. Para sana sa binabalak mong bilhin na pickup. Sa ngayon, pickup ko muna, testing lang. Kasya naman. Hehehe.

Parking

Birthday mo sa Monday, bukas namin ise-celebrate. Handa na rin yung inumin, as usual. Last year ako ang hindi nakasali, pero this year ikaw naman ang wala. Sagot na kita, ako na tatagay para sayo. Cheers, Dad!

 

 

It's been a while

Still alive!

It's been a long while. This is one of the many things I miss. Writing.

Sa dami kong mga nasulat noon, bigla na lang bumalik sa isip ko lahat-lahat. Nakaka-miss din pala. I did that for, like, what, 5 years+. My old blog - my singleness blog - it's just out there floating. Archived. I go back and read it from time to time, it's fine. Wala naman masyadong issue, nakaraan na yon. Ok lang naman kahit mabasa ng kahit sino. I made it that way anyway. But for now, dun na muna yon, nakalutang.

So wassup? Pandemic. Sana matapos na.

I'm planning to write something this weekend.. kung sisipagin. At kung sipagin pa ng tuluyan, pwede ring tuloy tuloy na uli. Depende sa trip. Minsan naman hanggang simula lang, tapos tatamarin na naman ako. Tulad nito, ilang entries lang tinamad na.

Napapaisip tuloy ako, medyo iba na rin talaga ngayon no? Parang ang hirap nang mag-personal blog, ewan, baka masyado lang madami pumapasok sa utak ko including stress sa buhay buhay. Haha.

Time out. Sakit na ulo ko. Alas dos na. Tulog.

Day Two of Seven

Started the day early. I had to finish up the upload I've been doing since last night.

Practically spent the whole morning on waiting. That's the thing with government offices - bureaucracy. Well, we can't do anything about that... it was almost lunch time when we finally got to work. We just set it up and ran a few tests then went out for lunch.

I accompanied Janmejay, the Indian national I am working with for this project. We went to Chowking where he had halo-halo for lunch, which became his favorite. He's a vegan and is having a hard time looking for vegan food.

After a while he told me he wanted to see the mall across the street... but when we were crossing the street, he notices how near the bay was. We changed our minds and went to the bay area.



I saw this area on my way to the hotel the first day I was here. I saw some sights I wanted to take pictures of. Now's my chance.








Dinner time, I looked for a place to eat... The hotel food was just awful and the price is sooo not worth it. I asked from one of the hotel staff and they suggested that I try Food Net. I haven't been eating properly. I mean, if it's not Jollibee, McDo... or Chowking... my gulay! Yoko na!

So I walked, searching for a place to eat... while talking to Nelia over the cellphone. I asked her, if it was her to choose, what would she eat. She said pizza... well ok, there's this pizza place here. Boston Cafe, Dumaguete... The place seems nice... I liked the setting.



I ordered bottomless iced tea, classic spaghetti, boston cafe favorite pizza, and a very interesting dessert, "cake or death???"





And the verdict.... my gosh! Disappointing.

#1. Boston Cafe Favorite - is supposed to be their best house pizza... fails to deliver. The taste is ordinary. And.. where's the beef? Ok, so less beef. Then, what the heck is this. A pizza with no identity. I can't seem to taste what makes this different or what is unique with this pizza. It's just, y'know, pizza... with the toppings... cheese... *sigh.

#2. The hot sauce - what the heck!? It's an ordinary hot sauce, maybe the cheapest available in the market. I hate this kind of hot sauce. Ok, tabasco maybe expensive.. but I guess Mama Sita or some other cheaper hot sauce might have done it... but this ultra cheap kind... no...

#3. Classic Spaghetti - I might be a bit bias on this one coz I'm not really a fan of sweet style spag... I even requested if they can make this not sweet, but I guess the sauce is prepared already and they can't modify it... ok, fine... but my golly wow... it's too sweet. Again, I did not find anything unique in their recipe. I'm a spag-man... you can't fool me when it comes to spag.. and I'm telling you Boston Cafe guys, you seriously have to look at your spag.

#4. Cake or Death??? - A very interesting name. Very interesting menu picture. Seemed tasty. Again, another disappointment. It lacked the chocolate taste I was looking forward to. The cake is bland, the chocolate syrup is not chocolate enough... it's just... frustrating. I haven't been so frustrated with chocolate cakes (except chocolate cakes on ordinary bakeries) than that moment.

I paid P260 for everything... and was it worth it?

Ok, it's cheap... value for money? A big NO. I would understand if it were priced a bit higher... but please get it right!

I got stuffed but it felt like I did not eat...
....

Oh man, I wanna go to Bacolod... I need to eat... please...

7 Days

OK, so I guess I skipped episodes. New year dinner... my birthday... valentines?... lots.

Oh... and I have a facebook account now. Haha. Didn't wanna get one. Friends keep telling me to make one for the longest time, Nelia said she'd create one for me... and until I finally did. Why? Well, I dunno. I guess I wanted one... I guess. But it's fun... well, not really... just like friendster when we first used it. It's fun to gather friends and add them to your friend's list... then after a while... saturation point. No more friends to add... or just adding friends for the heck of it... then something better comes along... goodbye facebook, hello... whatever. Aaaaanyway...

I'm out for 7 days. Back again traveling as I used to do way back... yes, it's work.
Right now I'm here in Dumaguete City, Negros Oriental. I've been in Negros Occidental so many times but it is my first time here in Dumaguete.

It's nice. I'm staying at Plaza Maria Luisa, just a small hotel. It's ok. My room is ok, the bed is clean, and wifi is free!

There's one nice hotel here, Bethel, but it's fully booked... wifi is not free. That sucks.

Wednesday I'm out of here going to Bacolod and stay there until Sunday. By Sunday evening I should be back in Manila... then I'll spend the whole week next week at home... if possible.. hehe.

I'll post here plus some pics as much as possible. :-)

Kwismas Twee

When I was a kid, Christmas is my most-awaited event of the year. I feel excited when Christmas draws near. Anticipating for all the gifts, toys and money I will get from my parents, and tito's and tita's. As time went by, of course we all gotta grow up some time, these gifts, toys and everything else disappeared. And then things got a little opposite now; yer the one giving gifts, toys and money to the kids. So the excitement you feel when Christmas is drawing near turns to anxiety and fear of being compared and criticized, y'know how kids are. So more and more, Christmas has been less exciting than it used to be. Sheeesh. Adults...

For so many years, since I left my parents to live an independent life, I never really got around to decorate my place of Christmas-y things and stuff you put by the door or in other available spaces in the house.

This year is different, though. A little different. Well, for one, I'm not single anymore. But the angst is still there and some other worries but I've learned to cast them aside thru the years of hiding from my godchildren and saying "next time" to my kid cousins, nephews and nieces. Yea, I'm that thick. Hahahaha.

My wife bought a Christmas tree. Then I realized this is the first time I'll be decorating my place with Christmas-y things. Kewl. When we started dressing up the tree, a feeling so familiar to me started coming back. I feel like I'm a kid again. Sure, I'll be hiding from my godchildren still, I'll still be saying "next time" to the kids but something feels different this time, which I haven't felt for a long time.

When we finished dressing up the tree, it was a thing of beauty. More beautiful than the Christmas tree I've grown up with since I was a child. And mind you, at that time, the Christmas tree we had, in my eyes, was the best ever.

We're gonna spend Christmas in the province, Nueva Ecija. As usual, I'll do most of the cooking. I have a couple of things I recently learned thru "experiments" plus a couple of usual things like pasta, ref cake and maybe a little pork barbecue. No, not pork... I dunno. Oh, and I have to think of what veggies I'll prepare...

The theme this Christmas is "Healthy Food".

Merry Christmas, y'all!